I am a fantastic procrastinator. For as long as I can remember I’ve been drumming up creative ideas for how to pass my
time life. Lots of fleeting ideas of what would ultimately give me joy and complete my life, some days it was diet and exercise changes and others it was redecorating the kitchen. I’d go through Pinterest, make my boards, do my research and compile my lists. I was finally going to accomplish (fill in the blank), no more half finished projects for me! I can DO this!
Umm..k? – Also Me
Some ideas were lucky if I acted on them at all, and others well…if I did, it either took me forever to get my ass in gear and begin. Or, I would try it once (maybe twice) and be done with it. Not for lack of interest, honestly I really don’t know what the hell my problem was (is). Either way, the cycle of me having great ideas and doing nothing about them has been going for as long as I can remember. At least I was aware of my behaviors, but I had no clue how to change them.
I found my answers in Ace of Base. Yes, the 90s Swedish pop group. The Sign has been one of my favorite albums since my older brother decided he didn’t want it anymore. Pure gold to a 16 year old me. So a few weeks ago I found myself at a real crossroads with my job. I was (still am, really) attached to the team of women I worked with. Outside those 2 very special individuals, the environment itself was extraordinarily toxic. I tried my best for as long as I could, but everyone has a point of no return, and I had found mine. I saw a way out that worked to my advantage, and for once I was ballsy…and I took it.
Anyways, I’d been working over New Years when the title track of The Sign came on, it was really quiet in the office so the Universe made sure I didn’t miss a word.
No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.. – The Sign, Ace of Base
How had I been listening to this album, this SONG for over a decade and never once really heard that line. It’s even featured in the first Pitch Perfect (which I loved) and still, I never really heard it. Of course I knew no one person (or job) was just going to propel me into a beautiful life of utter happiness and fulfillment. What I did pull from it however, was a large slap of much needed reality. I know I’m meant to do more than go to work, come home, eat food, watch tv, go to sleep, rinse and freaking repeat! I don’t need a fancy life, or spotlight, or large-scale recognition. But some days, let me tell you, I felt like the monotony of my life was drowning me.
Life is demanding, without understanding. – The Sign, Ace of Base
When you live like that you end up trapped. Suffocated and held down by this imaginary idea that this life is the only life you can succeed in. It becomes normal, normal becomes comfortable so you stay. You hate it and it’s pushing you under, but it’s what you know and now everything else is too scary. So you stay. Some days only a shell of me would come home, obviously my boyfriend noticed and felt it too. You try not to let the daily negativity get to you, but it’s your day to day environment…it’s hard to shake off. On more than one occasion, usually after an argument (that I started because I was in a mood), he would sit me down and have a heart to heart about what was happening and why I was continuing to let it happen. Sure, as my partner he is always there to listen to me when I need to vent about a bad day at work. But the poor guy was struggling to find days that weren’t bad.
I think we were both at a point where we couldn’t listen to anymore unpleasantness about my daily world. Ace of Base could not have spoken to me at a more appropriate time. Since my early 20s I’ve taken on a lot of new and complicated feelings and experiences. I haven’t taken the time to properly deal with my feelings like an adult, and my shit is not exactly what I’d call handled. I’ve procrastinated on a lot of things I should have been doing for myself, and the worst part is I’ve always known I was the one doing the sabotaging. I was just so deep into it that, again, I was comfortable and it felt normal so I let it happen.
But now I’m trying to really live and figure out what I want for the first time in forever.
I want to let my makeup and skincare obsessions run wild and try new, exciting products! I want to explore my passion for cooking at a more challenging level. I want to finally USE the tools I have in the kitchen that were purchased, and like so many “great ideas”, are barely utilized! Speaking of using things, I bought the most beautiful rose gold and marble 2017 journal planner in the fall of last year…and it has barely been touched. Are you reading this? I HAVE A PROBLEM!!! My madness needs to end. Okay, focus Dee. Another thing I want to create for myself is a plan to maintain my house. I’m not bad at keeping it clean and whatnot, but again I leave everything and try and tackle it all in one day. I need a weekly plan with a daily breakdown. I need some discipline!
A lot of this is why I started Speaking Dee. I needed a public creative outlet as a means of holding myself accountable for all the great ideas I never complete or act on. I’ve always wanted to do something like this, and truthfully I do have a few half-assed & barely finished websites out there, but for once in my life I really need to see it through. Nobody else is going to get me out of my own darkness and into the light where I belong, that’s my job and it’s about time I started taking it seriously.
Can you relate to what I’m feeling? How did you overcome it? Please feel free to comment below!